Ces't la vie

WARNING: So today's post is kinda a downer/realistic point of view, so do not read if you are wanting "happy-go-lucky".  Also, it may not make sense to you- please disregard. :)

This week.  wow.  NOT what i expected.  Lies, secrets, betrayals, disappointment, hypocrisy, heartache.  My poor husband, strong (in his own quiet manner) and supportive, stands by my side - He is my companion, my best friend, my advocate in this mess.  And yet, he is also put (due to no fault of his own) in the middle.  It's funny how you can think that everything is fine, and then all of a sudden, reality slaps you in the face.  'Family' is an interesting concept to me.  It is a divine design.  Yet, it can also be a devastating force to one's soul.  I've grown up most of my life without any extended family.  My mother was truly the only one i have ever truly felt an eternal bond with.  A relationship of true friendship and love, understanding and accountability    My sister and i struggle to maintain a good relationship- but we know where we both stand - we are honest, caring, and forth-right about what we can and can't talk about, in terms of religion, life choices, and expectations.  And while we don't always see eye to eye, we are never fake.
Being an in-law though.... totally different game.  In fact, it's not even a game- it's more like a carnival booth that is rigged so that no matter what you do, you will always loose.  At least that is what it feels like to me.  Just when i think all is at peace... the thunder seems to strike.  Hurtful gossip, "blood" vs. in-laws, and fake hugs and "we love you's" are more than i can take sometimes.  Who needs enemies?  (Or frien-emies?)
No one ever wants to be the "out-law" / in-law.  I always dreamed of marrying into a family where i was loved, cherished, and treated as an equal member.  Where girl's night outs, exciting family vacations, and eventful holidays would abound. Where members can agree to disagree, discuss problems openly, learn & grow from each other's experiences, while strictly adhering to high standards of integrity and appropriate behavior/mutual respect.  A girl can dream right?...
I mean, is it me?  I am a classy girl who takes care of herself.  I try to be a good mom, and love my children dearly.  My husband says I'm a good cook.  I try to keep my home tidy, a place where the Spirit can dwell. I am temple worthy.  I participate actively in my religion.  I have lots of close girl friends.  I try to think of others, via meals, VT,service, etc.  I am extremely proud of my husband and the great man that he is.  Our marriage is doing wonderfully, full of love, respect, and trust.  I like to think that i have a good personality.  I am confident, honest, a thinker, organized, and prepared.  But, no matter what i say/think, it will never be good enough.        
Anyways, this past week i finally have had enough.  I give up.  I'm exhausted.  They win.  I can't believe that after being married to the man i love for 4.5 years, that i still get wind of hurtful comments, judgmental attitudes, toxic & irresponsible behaviors, ridiculous 'secrets' (obviously not, i heard about them), and unique loyalties.  So, i concede, for the sake of my husband, so he can not feel quite as torn....
I will play their game.  I will put on the fake smile. I will be involved in surface level conversations that have no real value. I will ignore the elephant in the room.  I will nod and be polite, while never giving any real opinion, or thoughts.   Saying "i love you" will be out of cordial obligation more than the fact that we actually have any type of deep, meaningful relationship.  Absolutely ridiculous.
However...  I will subject myself and my children to this as little as possible.  It's not healthy.  And it is mostly... well... just plain sad.  It is sad that they will never really know me.  Or who i am.  Or why i am the way i am.  Or what i have to offer. Because i really would like to have more than this type of relationship.   Yet, after talking to many people, the advice i got is this:  "Sometimes, you just have to move on and care less.  Not because you don't care, but because they don't."   And it's not worth my health and happiness.  Or my marriage.  Or my sense of self-worth.

I am a Daughter of God. I am a wife to a wonderful husband.  I am the mother of 2 beautiful girls. I am an independent woman, who will not allow others to make me feel bad about myself.  I am strong in my faith- my belief in God and Jesus Christ helps me daily to remember my divine potential.  I have been put through many trials, and am striving to CTR and trust in the Lord.  I am a best friend, who believes that relationships are worth only what you invest in them.  I believe in serving others, and taking pride in church callings.  I believe that marriage is about 2 people working together each day to enrich each other's lives in order to spend eternity together in heaven.   I believe that life is about choices, and that we alone are responsible and accountable for what we do.  I believe that love conquers all; and that mercy, while important, cannot take away from justice. I am a Mormon.  I believe in being true to ME.  And i think that 'Kristi' is a girl that has something special to offer.